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Clinton Speaks Out
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WASHINGTON, D.C. President Clinton met with members of the newsmedia in an attempt to clear up misunderstandings involving dealings between Microsoft of Redmond, Washington and the U.S. Goverment.

Mr. Clinton not only denied taking any military action against Microsoft or Bill Gates, he also stated that there were never any negotiations regarding the acquisition of the United States by Microsoft, Inc.

"In fact" Clinton said, "we have entered into a strategic alliance with Microsoft that promises to end the enmity between our two nations (President Clinton has apparently mistaken Microsoft for an independent country), and to bring about a new spirit of cooperation that will benefit those we have used, er, our users, or uh, rather, our citizens... well you know what I mean."

Mr. Gates joined the president on stage by means of a satellite hookup, with his image being projected on a large screen over Clinton's left shoulder, while the president talked to him on a cellular phone. "Thanks, Bill" said Clinton, "you've just help make the world a better place". For his part, Gates would makes faces and mock the president but would stop just before the president turned to look at the screen in response to audience reaction.

Details of the agreement have not been completely worked out, but it appears that Microsoft will be making a $150 million donation to the Democratic party and has promised that Microsoft Office will continue to be compatible with YK2-susceptible U.S. government computers well into the 21st century ("That's the next one coming up, right?... Right?" Clinton was heard to inquire.).

Microsoft will be granted a deluxe weekend stay, including continental breakfast and souvenir pen, in the Lincoln Bedroom and one 'Get out of jail free' card.

Reactions of the assembled reporters and analysts was mixed